My Afternoon with a Fetal Demise

Trigger Warning: Stillborn

It started on a Tuesday. I was sitting at the nurse’s station after having helped deliver the most perfect baby girl. As I sat there soaking in the sweetness of the morning, I heard a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream from one of the triage rooms. Shortly after, a nurse came running down the hall with tears streaming down her face. “That baby’s dead. It’s dead!” she choked. But that didn’t make sense of course, because that baby was still in it’s mother’s womb. That baby was full-term. That baby’s heart was beating perfectly only hours before…

The next day, it was time for that baby to be delivered. As I began to understand what had to happen, I felt sick. I waited outside the room while the primary nurse and midwife delivered the child. Normally, a birthing room is filled with the sweet sounds of a newborn’s cry. Sometimes the family will sing Happy Birthday. Not this room. This room was silent. Because as soon as she arrived, it was time to say goodbye.

Later that day, my preceptor told me that I should visit the baby since I’m still in training as a new labor and delivery nurse. “This is important for you to see,” she said gently.

The baby had been moved to a private room away from her parents. When I stepped into the room, nothing appeared to be wrong. In the middle of the room there was a baby swaddled in a soft blanket covered in dainty green flowers, and a hat to match. I stepped closer and observed her perfect face. Her curly black hair. Her smooth olive skin. Except she wasn’t moving. She wasn’t crying. She was as still as the silence around her.

As I stood there watching her, I couldn’t quite understand. She was perfect. She had 10 fingers…10 toes. None of it made sense.

Will it ever make sense?

For someone who doesn’t believe in the traditional idea of Heaven and Hell, I was surprised to find myself wondering if she’d found her way to Heaven yet.

I hope she has. I hope she’s watching over her parents now. I hope they’ll get to meet again one day.

Signed,

A confused labor and delivery nurse